Match-Up: "Home Signs"

(First published in The Mountain Astrologer magazine, 1990)


To test your understanding of astrology-in-action, match the twelve Signs with their "most appropriate" home‑element.


___ Capricorn              a. Telephone

___ Aquarius               b. Toy Box

___ Pisces                 c. Homemade Bread

___ Aries                  d. Champagne & Fireplace

___ Taurus                 e. Tool Box & Refrigerator

___ Gemini                 f. Microwave

___ Cancer                 g. DustBuster

___ Leo                    h. Hot Tub

___ Virgo                  i. PC or MAC

___ Libra                  j. Burglar Alarm System

___ Scorpio                k. Game Room

___ Sagittarius            l. Pillowed Sofa & Novel


ANSWERS to Match‑Up


Capricorn = Burglar Alarm System (security); Aquarius = Microwave (cook it quick); Pisces = Pillowed Sofa & Novel (gentle escape); Aries = Game Room (victory!); Taurus = Tool Box & Refrigerator (build & maintain); Gemini = PC or MAC (a 2nd brain); Cancer = Homemade Bread (such a warm feeling); Leo = Champagne & Fireplace (regal entertaining); Virgo = DustBuster (speck removal); Libra = Telephone (share with others); Scorpio = Hot Tub (sensuous warmth); Sagittarius = Toy Box (ever the child).

Rating yourself:  The number you got correct corresponds to a 'condition' you have; follow the prescription.

12 = Genius; you have nothing more to learn from reading The Mountain Astrologer, but it's good for laughs.

11 = Fudgitis; you assigned the same answer to two different signs, or left one answer unattached, so you have something in Gemini; ask Dr. Zodiac to move it to Libra so that you can make definite judgments.

10 = Decadentungus; those hallucinogens you've been using have covered ten of your teeth with algae; get thee to a Virgo dentist, then consult a Leo, who knows everything, to correct your slightly faulty perception. Pay the Leo with compliments and champagne.

9 = Triangulerium; the three-way mixup suggests that unreal 'love triangles' permeate your life or dreams. The necessary exorcism can be achieved by placing three suitable goldfish in a fishbowl in front of your TV set. Watch the fish, not the TV, until you understand reality.

8 = Broodism; you lust for power, but the 8‑fold path you have found is rooted in Monopoly or Chess. Only the tender love of a Pisces can heat your blindness.

7 = LasVegatarian; you did a lot of guessing, but astrology is not craps or roulette, so drink carrot juice and go to Nevada with a Sagittarian to assuage your obvious penchant for gambling.

6 = Hexolation; you have bad breath, therefore bad digestion, therefore poor diet, therefore the wrong job. Eat beans and garlic for five days. You will then be seeking a new job, which will expand your horizons.

5 = Anthroposentia; your view of the universe glorifies humans far beyond their current merit. Your toenails are probably long, indicating you think too much; trim them and grow long hair instead.

4 = Quandariosis; you are bordering on acquiring knowledge; to break free from prison, ponder the correct answer to this question: "How many tires does a car have?", which gives insight into hidden mysteries.

3 = Perplexia; you never thought astrology 'connected' to the home! Or, you live in a car. In either case, spend some time trying to understand someone who is totally incomprehensible to you (like yourself). Start by taking a shower with your clothes on, then write a poem about the experience.

2 = Dichonderoga; since you can't tell a lawn from a battleship, cancel your subscription to The Mountain Astrologer (no, gift it to a friend, we need the circulation), until you have been illuminated by Reader's Digest. It may take awhile, but millions are following this path.

1 = Newtonella; something like an apple bonked you on the head, but it had no seeds or calories, was not in a Garden, and therefore must be viewed with great gravity. You MUST discover what it was, and when it was. Consult a psychic with initials QZX or an Astrologer whose initials are TT. ,

0 = Fool; well, well, a truly Illuminated Being; you know that perfection lies in becoming 'unstuck' and therefore free to be and appreciate ALL of the tendencies, and so be truly happy in the home or anywhere. Spread your knowledge and understanding, with gifts of TMA to all your friends!